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jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/19 20:04
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
English language - absolutely hilarious/brilliant


English - absolutely hilarious/brilliant!

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.



If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?



Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!



Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.



We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?


Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?



Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?



We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?



You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing..........


If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.??? Hello mum "the mop" ...


jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/19 21:34
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
How men & women shower....









HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
Laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way,
Cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah,
Wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
With 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut
And jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
And leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her,
Making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was
Hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
And light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
And make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
There is something SO very wrong with you.
Have a great day..... And woo woo!!!

jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/20 18:22
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
YOURS OR ANY ADDRESS ALL OVER THE WORLD!!!!

Much faster than Google Earth.

Now this might scare the heck out of you . . . . it's unbelievable technology.

After opening the link below, type in the address you want ( it does not recognise or respond to the specific number) slowly,
letter by letter, space by space, and watch each time where it takes you.

Once their you can move the little man around and zoom in to or out to specific detail

http://showmystreet.com/
jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/21 19:42
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
Beer makes men smarter: study

I KNEW IT....


Hi,

I knew it, I knew it; let the truth set you free.

I thought you'd like this: Click link below,,,,,


http://soc.li/aTBJdYH


Beer makes men smarter: study
Beer makes men smarter. So say researchers at the University of Illinois in Chicago. They found that men with a couple beers under their belts were actually better at solving brain-teasers than their sober counterparts.
jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/21 22:46
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
Fascinate




The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,and
all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating.."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see the animals in the
zoo, and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word 'fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny
before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate," so she called on him for his offering..
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
breasts are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/22 17:59
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
Old Popular songs 老歌








.
Enjoy contemporary song hit of everyone who now is 60+ and up (old).


just go to you tube they are all their to brighten your day and bring back pleasant memories of decades ago when we were young and carefree

SOME VERY MEMORABLE OLD SONGS THAT ENTAIL US FOR REPEATED LISTENING!
一些值得再好好欣赏的老歌曲:


1 沉默之聲 The Sound Of Silence

2 愛的細語 There's A Kind Of Hush
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CX83EQA8dc
3 陽光季節 Seasons In The Sun

4 唱首憂鬱的歌 Song Sung Blue

5 在老橡樹上系黃絲帶 Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree

6 雨的旋律 Rhythm of The Rain

7 七個寂寞的日子 Seven Lonely Days

8 超級迷你比基尼 Itsy Bitsy Teenie 20 Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini

9 波夫這隻神奇龍 Puff the Magic Dragon

10 檸檬樹 Lemon Tree

11 花落何處 Where Have All The Flowers Gone?

12 順其自然 Let It Be

13 昨日重現 Yesterday Once More

14 甜心 Dear Heart

15 太年輕 Too Young

16 低語的松樹 Whispering Pines

17 世界末日 The End Of The World

18 我的家鄉 My Hometown

19 大江東去 The River Of No Return

20 田納西華爾茲 Tennessee Waltz

21 破曉 Morning Has Broken
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TWd3s
22 惡水上的大橋 Bridge Over Troubled Water

23 讓它是我 Let It Be Me

24 再見,吾愛 Bye Bye, Love

25 無法停止愛你 I Can't Stop Loving You

26 只有你 Only You

27 世事不可強求 Que Sera, Sera

28 雨點不斷落在我頭上 Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

29 某處,吾愛 Somewhere My Love

30 在雨中哭泣 Crying In The Rain

31 跳舞吧,小女孩 Dance On, Little Girl

32 愛你在心口難開 More Than I Can Say

33 玫瑰,玫瑰我愛你 Rose, Rose, I Love You

34 清晨 In The Morning

35 往日情懷 The Way We Were

36 北上阿拉斯加 North To Alaska

37 老鷹之歌 El Condor Pasa

38 鄉村路帶我回家 Take Me Home Country Roads

39 郵差先生 Please Mr. Postman

40 黃河鎮 Yellow River

41 放開我 Release Me

42 最後華爾茲 The Last Waltz

43 孤枕難眠 I Don't Like To Sleep Alone

44 想像 Imagine

45 不再墜入情網 I'll Never Fall In. Love Again

46 輕歌銷魂 Killing Me Softly With His Song


47 婚禮 The Wedding

48 雪鳥 Snowbird

49 黛咪 Tammy

50 情感 Feelings

51 假如 If

52 小白鴿 Paloma Blanca

53 今日 Today

54 無須說愛我 You Don't Have To Say You Love Me

55 奔放的旋律 Unchained Melody

56 與我吻別 Kiss Me Goodbye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srrLospeLdo

57 只有尋夢去 All I Have To Do Is Dream
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKn6h2x5IcY

58 小白花 Edelweiss
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLVIICWRbjM

59 將頭靠在我肩上 Put Your Head On My Shoulder

60 黃鳥兒 Yellow Bird
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qJs3yghlk8

61 百年好合 Love For All Seasons

62 輕聲細訴,愛人 Speak Softly, Love

63 交換舞伴 Changing Partners

64 我參加你的婚禮 I Went To Your Wedding

65 給約翰的一封信 A Dear John Letter

66 月河 Moon River

67 黛安娜 Diana

68 哦!卡羅 Oh! Carol

69 試著回憶 Try To Remember

70 什錦燴飯 Jambalaya

71 愛情故事 Love story

72 唯有孤寂 Only The Lonely

73 我明白 I Understand

74 全心全意愛我 Love Me With All Of Your Heart

75 深夜陌生人 Strangers In The Night

76 離家五百里 Five Hundred Miles

77 昨日 Yesterday

78 走在雨中 Just Walking In The Rain

79 陽光在我肩上 Sunshine On My Shoulders

80 我希望你要我 I'd Love You To Want Me

81 欺騙的心 Your Cheating Heart

82 麻薩諸塞州 Massachusetts

83 丹尼男孩 Danny Boy

84 今晚你寂寞嗎 Are You Lonesome Tonight

85 隨風飄蕩 Blowing In The Wind

86 敲三下 Knock Three Times

87 不再猶豫 Beyond

88 熱愛著你 Devoted To You

89 舊金山S an Francisco

90 棉花田 Cotton Field

91 親愛的 Sugar, Sugar

92 世界之頂 Top Of The World

93 你照亮我的生命 You Light Up My Life 20

94 玫瑰花園 Rose Garden

95 如果你愛我 If You Love Me

96 史東妮 Stoney

97 我不知如何愛他 I Don't Know How To Love Him

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9S072UBKYs

98 溫柔地愛我 Love Me Tender

99 你偷走巨廈 The Mansion You Stole

100 嘿茱迪 Hey Jude

101 萬世巨星 Superstar

102 世界末日 The end of the world

103 星期一和下雨天 Rainy Days and Mondays

104 'To a dear heart' Jeremy Brett

Popular old English songs....
掀起您那塵封已久的記憶

jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/23 19:23
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses...

She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
___________________________________



TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!
An elderly Lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
_______________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."


He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_____________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..


"To get my teeth!"

_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"


jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/23 20:23
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone..

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do.
Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away.
Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!








Why ???








OH, come on... take a guess !!!








Think about it !!!








You're going to love this !!!








Everyone knows..


You can't kill Two Birds


with OneStone!!!
jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/25 20:14
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
JUDGE JUDY

JUDGE JUDY TO CLAIMANT - A PROSTITUTE

WHEN DID YOU KNOW YOU HAD BEEN RAPED

WHEN THE CHEQUE BOUNCED
jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/26 19:23
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN





THIS IS US!!!
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.


HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took


The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The courtesy out of driving,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education,

The service out of patriotism,

The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,


The prudence out of spending,

The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they standat attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party..... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps..... With a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!


Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!
Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy
While we're here.
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