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jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/3 4:38
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY



Taxi story...loved this one!!





An Arab enters a taxi..........


Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “Watt are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a ******* camel.”




















jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/4 18:13
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE WELSH !!!!!




At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but The one in the middle had a pink one.

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately White, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink Willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary Society."

After the curator left, a Welshman, approached the couple and said, "Would You like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the boyo who painted it!" he replied. "In fact, there are no Black men depicted at all. They're just three Welsh miners. Him in the middle went home for lunch."

jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/5 10:35
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE


STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE


Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.


There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already. Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique.

jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/10 18:28
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
IRS Audit





IRS Audit

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you
buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free
roll."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?"


"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back
to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of
plaster."


"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
remains from the circumcision surgeries?"



"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save
all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about
once a year they send us a complete prick."
jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/11 4:41
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY

This has come at an opportune time as I have a dispute with Barclays and have told them I demand they follow this if they wish to retain my account

Seniors Banking... PRICELESS!!


Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.


The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


And remember:
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/16 20:32
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS????

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,
what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,!
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'
jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/16 21:29
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
e-mail from God


One day, God was looking down at earth, and saw all the misbehaving ( too
Much sex, illicit drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol and risque emails) that
was going on.
So he called one of his angels to go to Earth.

When he returned, the angel told God,
'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not'.

God thought for a moment and said,
'Maybe I should send down another angel, to get a second opinion'!

So, God called another angel, & sent him to Earth too.

When the angel returned, he went to God & said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth
Is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because,
He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something, to help them keep
Going !

Do you know what the e-mail said ?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
No ?

Okay, just checking with you.
I didn't get one either ...

jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/17 21:09
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
Some jokes can be told in church






Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the colour
of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running
as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped
on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again!
As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper,
he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own
mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem ..
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy
father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what

is the matter?' Little Johnny responded,
'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~


You don't stop laughing because you grow old..
You grow old because you stop laughing!
Take heed and pass these along to people who
need a laugh.
I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough
right now...for all of us...
so we need something to make the day happy.

"They" haven't found a way to tax you for
laughing, yet.



jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/18 8:34
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
Very Scary Fact




25% of women in America are on medication for mental illness.


That's bloody scary...it means the other 75% are running around with no medication at all!!
jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/4/18 22:34
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
Subject: FW: THE IRISH BLONDE




Read right to the end!

The Irish Blonde
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." And with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...
are men!

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!!









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