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jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/3/5 2:49
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
A daily FUNNY
LOVEMAKING FOR SENIORS

. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed and is actually your partner.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partners name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Nitro ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Lets go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it!!



jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/3/9 5:22
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
THIS MAY BE A "Little" DIFFICULT FOR ALL WHO ARE OVER 60 .THOSE YOUNGER THAN THIS WILL HAVE NO HOPE AT ALL.

DEMENTIA QUIZ



FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?





~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~




















ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?




SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~



































ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??


YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?


SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~























DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...



IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...



FOURTH QUESTION:
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4.. NONO, AND ???
2 WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?



~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
























DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!





OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
REDEEM YOURSELF:


A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~





















IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!


~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~


PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
HAVE A NICE DAY, ONE AND ALL.



jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/3/9 5:49
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
American tourists




On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales .

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the blonde waitress,

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, please, very, very, very slowly?'










The blonde girl leaned over and said,


























'Burrr … gurrr … king'
jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/3/18 23:20
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
Wife by text to husband at work

"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"





Wife a few minutes later - "Done that, now computer won't work at all.
jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/3/18 23:41
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY

Subject: The talker


BEDBUGS AT THE UN

If you haven't seen this before, you've missed an extraordinarily erudite speaker. He is serious when he is funny and he is funny when he is serious. And, boy, is he on point! This is his latest, and I think the first of 2012



http://dotsub.com/media/b5ee5ada-5b37-4b0b-9916-e0896337ec4b/e/m
jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/3/26 18:47
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
One day a man decided to retire...

Retirement …

cid:1.2209334111@web111412.mail.gq1.yahoo.com

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
cid:2.2209334112@web111412.mail.gq1..yahoo.com

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts..

cid:3.2209334112@web111412.mail.gq1.yahoo.com

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
cid:4.2209334112@web111412.mail.gq1..yahoo.com
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.
cid:5.2209334112@web111412.mail.gq1..yahoo.com
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home.. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

cid:6.2209334112@web111412.mail.gq1.yahoo.com

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
"We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"
She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
(keep scrolling down)
































"You've built a Golf Course ?"
kcallagmy
Posted on: 2012/3/28 1:47
Webmaster
Joined: 2009/9/25
From:
Posts: 27
Re: A daily FUNNY
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' she replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Manchester United .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/3/31 15:08
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY




Mean and green




Mean and green
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."



The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."



She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.




Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.



Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that wereused for numerous things, most memorable besides householdgarbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book coversfor our school books. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books. But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.



We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.



Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.



Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.



We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.



Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.




But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we older folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?



Please forward this on to another selfish older person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person
jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/3/31 15:09
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY




Mean and green




Mean and green
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."



The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."



She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.




Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.



Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that wereused for numerous things, most memorable besides householdgarbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book coversfor our school books. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books. But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.



We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.



Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.



Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.



We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.



Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.




But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we older folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?



Please forward this on to another selfish older person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person
jimsrant
Posted on: 2012/3/31 17:17
Just popping in
Joined: 2010/12/14
From: chonburi thailand
Posts: 0
Re: A daily FUNNY
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He
walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there
was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant
Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass
lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my
impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true;
but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for my call."





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